Life Starts Now

Hello there again..
I haven't blogged in a while.
So much to be said but not enough words to express it.

Things have changed, and I'm sure I have too.
Not too long ago I've lost myself.
I've lost what makes me, me.
I've lost the girl who knew who she was,
who she is, and where she's going.
She knew where she wanted to be.
She knew what she was doing.
She knew everything about herself.

But then I lost her, when I lost a friend.
(I didn't LOSE a friend. a friend moved. I still love her <3)
That girl left me, and to be honest, I don't think she's coming back.
Whoa, whoa now. I know you're wondering,
"So, you're depressed..right?"
Heck no.
I've realized in the past few months,
that I'm fine not knowing what I'm doing.
I don't understand myself anymore,
I'm completely unpredictable.
My views on life have changed,
my priorities have shifted.
I'm happy to know that I don't have to hide behind
that girl that knew anymore.
I stuck to her plans, and her rules.

I've also realized that being lost in myself
has always been a part of me.
It may change. I may "find myself" again.
But this time, I hope I don't.
I love this new sense of adventure,
this new sense of wander.

Ironic, isn't it?
Just a few months ago, I posted a blog about
"losing" yourself.
I said that I hope you find your way back.
and I do...
I just hope I can hold onto this feeling for as long as I can.

And beyond that, not much is to be said.
The adventure awaits,
and life starts now.

P.S.
Jessica, I miss you. <3

Do you know who I think I am?

Fall Out Boy song quote for the win.

But it makes so much sense once you read on.

Have you ever gotten those days where you stop and think
"whoa, wait a minute, what am I doing? where am I going? who am I?"
It's almost like you forget who you are and what you stand for.
All your motives go out the window and you get lost in your own thoughts.
It's like a vicious circle that you keep going over the same thing over and over so much that it no longer makes sense or has meaning.

You're trapped. You've become a prisoner within yourself and you're not moving.
Methaphorically speaking, of course.

So many times I've forgotten who I am.
It's like I've been there this whole time, but 'the real me' sometimes decides to take a detour, and explore by herself. Leaving the rest of me behind.
Not knowing what to do naturally, I begin to panic.
I think I'm not doing what I should be doing and everything I've known was a lie.

I find myself treating close friends badly, and strangers like best friends.
I abandon everything I've worked on, and everything I once dreamed about.
Everything gets turned up side down, and I can't catch everything that's falling on top of me.
It's hard to find yourself again sometimes.
You always think you're being true to yourself and no one can tell your differently.
It's only the fortunate that can rarely catch themselves and get things back on track again.
I've had this problem time and time again.

Don't worry if it's happened to you, though.
I'm sure you can pull through.
I've learned not to let it get the best of you.

"The thing about being someone you're not is...
that eventually someone will come along
and remind you of who you are."

One day I'll think I know who I am,
and the next I may remind myself this isn't who I am.
I'm never really sure when I'm not being true to myself,
but I hope and pray that whenever it happens
I can always find my way back again....
:]

Its Near

I haven't blogged in a while, and while sitting here waiting for tomorrow the day I'll be able to pick Jessica up and have a sleep over,
I started remembering the trip to Chicago.

It was insanely fun. And in that one little weekend, I realized that I was completely happy with life and the way things were going.
It seemed like it didn't matter where I was, or where I was going.
Because I was with them.
Them.
The people who always seem to keep me sane,
while at the same time letting me go wild.

So many memories come to mind from that trip.
Even if everything didn't go perfectly,
in fact there were quite a few flaws in the trip itself.
But nevertheless I had a new expierence, and a new chapter in my life
that I'll be able to revisit through memory and sense.

But after that happy little thought, I began thinking in a whole new direction.

August 16th 2009.

The day that I'm honestly not ready for.
The day that 3 of my bestfriends are leaving me.

It's not like they'll be gone forever, right?
They'll still be in touch. I mean, we have phones and text messages and twitter and all kinds of communication.
But no matter how much I reassure myself, I realize it'll never be the same.
No longer will I be able to call them up and ask to spend the day by the lake.
Or go see a movie and laugh at the pointless parts.
I won't be able to chase them around and laugh when they fall over themselves.

It'll be different.
It's like I'm losing a friend.
But I'm not.
Just because we'll say goodbye and we'll be apart, doesn't mean we'll forget about all the times we've had.
It might be difficult to keep things together, I know.
Long distances bring out the true colors in a friendship I've noticed.
And I know we're the color of the rainbow.

I don't know how I'll actually react when the day comes, though.
It makes me sad that they're leaving,
but happy that they're moving forward with their lives.

It seemed like yesterday we just became friends.
It seems like we just met and we have so many more things to do together, and no matter how much time we still have, it'll never be enough.

So in this blog, if you ever see it.
Cassie, Jessica, Jacob and of course. Mrs. Briere.
I love you guys.
You've taught me alot in the amount of time I've known you all,
weather you know it or not.
You'll always be my friends, no matter which ways we go in life.

8/16/09; a day to be dreaded.

DontLetMeGetMe

Sometimes you hear people say that the person they trust most is the person they thought they could never trust. Or the person they love is someone they once hated. Or even the person they could go to the most is the person they thought they'd never get a chance to speak to.

I finally understand that now.

I have a friend that's always there for me, even when I'm not in the mood for her to be there.

She gets on my nerves, and we're always fighting or arguing about something pointless.

She's like my sister, in a few ways. she's crazy, sometimes self centered and she holds grudges forever.

she physically and verbally abuses me, but in the end I love her more than any friend I've ever had.

we have the kind of relationship that we never leave each other behind.

when one of us is in a relationship, or on vacation, or with other friends we're always in contact.

we never leave the other out of situations and always filling each other in on our lives.

we show each other respect when the other asks for it, and even when we get into a fight it's usually easily resolved.

When I first met her I didn't like her. I acted like I did, just so my other friends wouldn't think I was rude.

but once given the chance to sit down and talk with her, I realized we have alot in common.

but at the same time, we're completely different.

we're not afriad to tell each other when the other is being a bad friend.

like, ignoring the other by paying more attention to someone else.

or walking off without the other, etc.

and we're also not afriad to tell each other when the other is making bad decisions, or doing something far too crazy.

we've gotten into alot of trouble together, and often drag each other in the middle of the other's drama.

our families basically adopted each other, and we're hanging out as much as we can.

I'm thankful to have her in my life, and I hope she's a life long friend.

So Hannah, if you ever read this

I love you and everything you do.

You believe in me and give me a sense of accomplishment.

Don't ever leave my side.

3 AM

It's 3 in the morning, and I really should be sleeping.
but instead I'm here, once again at my computer with my head filled with thoughts.
if only I could have them come out in order instead of all at once.
sometime's that's my problem. I know exactly what I want to say, but by knowing what I want to say it all comes out at the same time. often leaving me scrambling for words trying to sort them out so they make sense.
in most cases, it doesn't. but on the lucky occasions, it comes out plain as day.
so here we go-thoughts...please stay in line. I'll get to you soon enough :]


What's on your mind, Ashley?
Well, I'm glad I asked myself that. because a million things are rushing to get out!

1- I know people change. and things happen for a reason. I recently found an old camera memory card with some stuff from last year. videos, pictures, inside jokes etc.
I found out I've lost some connections without even realizing it.
I knew one friend in particular, had hurt-basically broken- my heart and spirit at some point last year. and I never forgave him.
with that weighing on my heart, and watching those videos and looking at those pictures I really remembered the good times. we were so close, this person was my best friend. I always looked to that person when I needed to talk, and even if they didn't understand they'd still smile and nod for me.
So with the thought of them hurting me so badly, mixed with the memories. I decided to send that person a message saying I forgive them for all they've done to and towards me and my other friends. some of my friends haven't let go, and still linger their feelings about that person to this day.
but I, said I would be willing to be friends again. and so there we have it. me and that person are now friends again...I know it's not the same. and there's still some awkwardness between us. but I'm hopeing I can get back to the goodtimes with this person very soon.


2- I can't believe how good things are going in life right now. I've never had so many friends to count on and look to in my past. and now I have more than I had ever asked for, and it's continuely growing. I'm so thankful for all my friends right now, you have no idea. even if we don't talk as much or stay in touch as much as me and someone else, just know that having you in my life means the world to me!

3- I'm excited for Chicago. going on a road trip out of state with some good friends is totally FTW!

4- Seeing people graduate this year has made me realize-again- that time really does fly. Like my friend Nate. I've known him since he was 15. now look at him..all grown up. all ready to face life. Amanda, known her for quite some time. and there she goes, out of high school into the world. not alot will change, but slowly it will. and I'm going to fight to keep the people who are "leaving" me to "stay" with me. I don't ever wanna lose these people just because they won't be around as much. they'll always be my friends.

5- so many trips trips trips. and not enough money money money. I know I'm young, and shouldn't worry about stuff like this yet really. but I feel like sometimes we go on trips and stuff to keep me happy, when we don't have alot of money as it is. it must be hard to keep up with the times and my needs at the same time while struggling with bills. I'm glad you do it though...

6- I hope. I HOPE! I'm here for fair week. I have SO much planned for this years fair and if I don't get to go, I'll be pissed :(


that's enough for now.
I'm just so happy with life. you have no idea.
I'm so thankful for everything that's going well,
and the days I feel like it's not going anywhere or it's not enough....that's crazy talk.
but I should head to bed..it's 3:12.
good night, good reading :]

Carnival of Guilt

My good friend Danny wrote this, and I thought it was so amazing I had to share it.
He said I could, so here is his work "the Carnival of Guilt"


I was greeted well enough at the door, Giving my ticket to the clown. I saw attractions by the score, Still, none seemed to slow me down.
I heard laughter all around me, Yet, I felt a silent jeer.
No, it didn't take me long to see- I was not welcome here.
Heads were turning, eyes were burning, Suddenly, all laughs were gone.
Only silent glares and my stomach, churning In repulsed fear, pushed me on.
I walked faster, yet so did they, What this horde wanted, I did not know.
Running to the nearest door on my way, I found myself at "The Freak Show".
Sneaking backstage, in hopes to hide, I saw a two- headed man in a fight- Against himself, each head taking a side, And neither side was right.
Both looked at me, without words being said, Each pointing their given hand to a door.
Smiling, as if somehow my thoughts they read, They knew what I was here for.
Walking inside, with what I saw- Thought, defunct, my human eyes.
Though inside I was struck with awe, I tried not to show surprise.
A four legged woman walking- With a man who had no legs at all, Living, loving, laughing and talking- As if he stood ten feet tall.
A bearded lady singing, soft in tone- To a man with two noses.
A man so skinny he looked to lack bone- In the mirror, practicing poses.
I stood, amazed, at the shapes he took, As my misdirected thoughts ran.
It seemed he could make himself to look- Like anything but a "normal" man.
As if sensing my questioning mind, A boy approached, beginning to speak.
Saying, "Stay, safely, here awhile, you will find- The answers that you seek."
I looked down, seeing each arm without hand, But pinchers like a lobster, instead.
He said, "There's things the world won't understand- That can be grasped, here, full- fled. "
He gestured to a snake-skinned man- And said, "Beauty, truly is in the eye. Viewed by the world, a charlatan, Won't you give the magic mirror a try. "
So I stepped over and took my view, Beheld a man without a face.
It was suddenly so clear, I knew- I had finally found my place.
And every night people stop just to stare, And maybe we raise their self-esteem.
Some pity us, thinking it's not fair- Some think we're just here to scheme.
But I recall the other side, I know- What leads you to jeer and jilt.
And what you see as "The Freak Show"- Is just your carnival of guilt.

You're special to me

I have alot of friends that I'm very thankful for. I've noticed lately that I want to keep everyone in my life right now, and I can't stress it enough.

four people come to mind right now, that are my friends and they know that I care about them.
But I don't think they really understand how special they are to me.
So I'm going to take this moment to tell you personally how much I care.
In person I could never say this, because I'm the type that always jokes around and can't hold a serious moment for the life of me.
But I feel this needs to be said, just so you know that I'm your friend. and I value you as a person.




Jessica F: Jessica, when I first met you...to be perfectly honest I didn't like you. I wasn't a very social person when we first met so I didn't like alot of people at the time. it took me forever to make friends and get to know people or have them get to know me. We slowly started talking in 06 I believe it was. But it wasn't until late 07 and 08 that we really started becomming friends.
I think in the beginning of 09 I realized how much I really care for you as a friend, and how you're one of the few people that put up with EVERYTHING about me.
and I mean everything, even sometimes when I get carried away with jokes or make embarrassing references, you stick by me.
I can't tell you how much I really value you in my life.
I know we all need a friend that can put up with everything about us, but that person is usually pretty hard to find. Luckily I have a few people that can put up with everything about me, but you in particular put up with absolutely everything.
I'm so glad we're as close as we are now. and even when you move, I know we'll still be the best of friends.
Thanks for letting me know you won't be far.


Cassie: when we first met I never talked to you. the occasional "Hi" the in the Explorers hallway was about as far as we got for the first couple years I knew you.
After I started becoming friends with Jessica, I noticed how much we really have in common.
Sarcastic comments and witty comebacks is basically what our friendship was based on.
Improv comedy made me realize this, and ever since I've been trying to find out more about you. Now I consider us pretty good friends, and I'm glad to have you.
You're the kind of person that can be funny, sarcastic and caring all at the same time.
You always seem to understand where people are coming from, even when you don't agree with them.
You're an awesome person to hang out with, and I know when I'm really feeling sarcastic I have someone in my corner to make snarky remarks with haha


Nate: Okay, so we're always joking around. lol that's pretty much all I do. I've known you about 3 or 4 years, and I think within all that time I never really talked to you either. I think we started talking around 07, but that was a rare occasion.
we had a "you go your way and I'll go mine" type thing goin on back then.
In 08 we started hanging out more, we talked more and I got to know you a little better.
I thought it was cool because in our TLC groups, alot of the girls annoyed me, and I just needed a change of conversation.
Of course there was some "confusion" twords last summer, and people started to hang out less and talk less. But once everything cleared we became friends again, and it was like nothing ever happened.
I consider you one of my best guy friends, in all honesty.
Even though sometimes I can be a creeper, and annoying.
You don't talk much to other people, but sometimes when we are all hanging out and having a good time I feel like you're much more comfortable with us.
And I wanted to let you know I appreciate having you as a friend in my life at this current moment in time.


Christina: Technically I knew you for a while, but I never really...knew you.
All I knew you as was "Nate's sister" for the longest time. But after we finally met I realized you're probably one of the most down-to-earth girls I've met in quite a while.
You always speak your mind, when you wanna say something you'll say it.
You're comfortable with who you are, and who you're becoming. and I respect that. More girls need to be like that.
You always have an honest opinion, and a great sense of humor that can make me smile.
You go along with alot of the jokes I make, and you make me feel like I'm one of your only friends even when we're in a group of people.
You always make people feel special. and that's an amazing quality.
You're beautiful, outgoing, and a great person.
I'm glad to have you in my life and to have you as someone to count on.



I felt that I should let these people know how special they are, because maybe sometimes all you need is to hear that someone was thinking of you.
I'm glad to have you guys in my life, and even though I have alot more people that need to be mentioned in this blog, I just wanted to stand you out from the others.
I want you all to know that I'd do just about anything for you.
when you need someone to talk to, I'll be the one to pick up the phone (or text. cause that's how I do thangs lol)
You can always count on me, and come to me without judgement.
You'll always have a place in my heart, and no matter where life takes you, you'll always have me.
I want you all to remember that.
You will ALWAYS. have me. weather you like it or not!

haha, okay this is long enough.
thanks for reading :]

Live the moment

I feel like talking, even though I don't have much on my mind right now.

It's freezing in my house, but sunny outside.

weird how that works.

I think lately I'm starting to realize how important living in the moment can be.

Because once that moment's gone, you'll never get it back.

and one day you will want it back, but you can't have it

because it's in your past, and the only thing you can do now is move forward, and farther away from it.

I think I've known that all along, but I never really thought about it until now.

I mean friends come and go, pets come and go, lives even come and go.

I guess it's because my grandparents (whom I've been living with my entire life)

they're getting older, less able to move, harder to make decisions, behind in bills and such.

I'm afraid of losing them. like all parents (and parent figures) they get on my nerves sometimes, and other times they don't.

it's just like, what would I do without them ya know?

what's going to happen after that.

When you're living in the moment everything seems right, like you'll be able to have this forever but you can't.

my cousin just said to me the other day

"You know, when we were younger and always talking about our futures. I never imagined you'd look like this. Or I'd be doing this. or we lived where we lived."

and I replied with

"Yeah, we spent too much time looking ahead of ourselves when we should have been looking right in front of us, I suppose"

which is completly true.

Whenever I see a preteen or a kid who's going "Oh man I can't wait to grow up!"

I can't help but to tell them to enjoy it while they can, because it only gets harder.

Friends have come and gone, people have moved away and I've even lost myself along the way.

I think sometimes when I'm confused with "who I am" and "where I'm going with life" I actually lose what makes me, me.

By being confused with who I am, I lose who I am.

Whoever's reading this is probably thinking I'm crazy, and I just might be lol

this year, like every year has taught me some stuff.
and it's not over.

I'm so happy I have the friends I have. without them I don't know where I'd be.

It's the people. The people you're with that make the days worth living again.

haha the other day, some woman walked by me and told me "You know, you should act more like a lady instead of running around with all these crazy children and dying your hair different colors. It's just not right."

I was pretty offended by it for a while.

but then I thought, okay. what is HER definition of a lady?

A girl that follows all the rules, doesn't have her own opinions or creativity and no life?

I'm my own person. I never dyed my hair to get attention or to attract a certain crowd of people.

I did it because I've always been facinated with colors, and I did it because it's what I wanted to do.

people are againest it, yes. and people like it.

it's not a rebellion.

it's just who I am.

and yeah, I do plan on changing the colors every now and again.

so sue me ;D

But I guess what this whole thing was made out to say was,

you should live in the moment.

because before you know it, that moment is gone.

and you can't get it back.

thanks for being my friend. I hope this lasts forever.

80 degree weather ftw

Well hey.

Fancy running into you here.

Okay, maybe not.

stalker ;]

So here's the deal

I feel like talking, sooo I'll tell you what I've been up to :]

Yesterday, thursday I went to my film making class for a second day.

We're so behind in work. and the middleschoolers like taking over alot.

Now, I know I have alot to learn

And I'm not the best decision maker.

But when people try to take over a "group" thing, it really makes me mad.

But I'm more easy going on people than I should be sometimes.

I know it's cool to be well mannered, but when someone's constantly telling you you're wrong

that's when you have to defend yourself.

Although I don't. I just sit back and complain, not really taking action

but probably annoying them so...mission accomplished.

Our teacher fell asleep during class.

It was weird lol

Then I went home with my friends Jessica and Cassie.

I had kinda brought up the plan to go to her house the night before

and mentioned it to my friend Keith that he should go over there if I went.

I knew Jess was in need of some fun.

So after I got there and played around a while, Keith and Isaac came over.

We went to the dock at Whitmore Lake. which is always fun.

Shortly after that, we went to the icecream place. It seemed like it took forever to get there, because I'm so lazy. I need to get out and walk more apparently, haha

We had some fun yesterday. I love hanging out with them. Although sometimes I'm more quiet, because I haven't known Keith and Isaac that long and it takes me a while to really get to know someone. But I do just fine, I believe.

Then today I went to the Greenfield Village with a group of my friends.

We took off from the parents and basically acted crazy the rest of the day. Of course I picked up the first thing I could grab to wear this morning. All black. 80 degree weather. I'm so not used to hot weather yet. so that was pretty bad, but I managed.

It had some nice breezes. and we took some pretty cool pictures.

Apparently I have a little captain in me. haha

And that's my bestfriend Hannah. Now, I have alot of bestfriends.

But she's different from so many people I've met. She used to be quiet and stand in the corner-ish. But ever since I became her friend she came out of her shell and she's been a little nut case ever since.

I realized today that no matter how much I physically and verbally abuse her, I love her to death.

She's so amazing. and she's beautiful. I mean look at her. But she's still retarded xD

I came home and put on some shorts and my swimsuit and went outside. just to be in the sun. such amazing weather today, I wish I could have done more on such a beautiful day.

I wanna go to Ann Arbor with my friends soon.

we should discuss the possibilities.

I'm done blogging for today, but thanks for reading.

Adios, until next time.

Edit:

I forgot to post a fun fact about my name.

fact #2: I used to play (and sometimes still play) this virtual world game. and my name on there was Cobra Star, on account that I like snakes. and my dog Star. people on there always called me Cobra instead of my name, even if they knew it, because they thought it was cooler.

Reintroduction

So I realized my last blog post was posted when I was running low on sleep.


and when I run low on sleep I tend to over think things and change subjects more often than usual.

So HAHA! Here I am again.

I don't plan on making this a daily blog thing. I just felt like I should reintroduce myself to this


I mean I've blogged before, but I haven't in a while. I love typing and maybe that's a curse sometimes because I tend to write mini books and throw myself out there probably more than I should xD

moving on




Right now Star is rubbing her back againest my chair
making noises. Actually I kinda like that. haha she's so cute.
I dunno where I'd be if I never got that dog when I did.
She totally changed my life and helped me in ways a human couldn't.


Have you ever wondered why people love animals, specifically dogs so much?
I think it's because of the things they don't say.
and what they don't do.



Humans are capable of destorying a person with words and actions.
Well...dogs could too but I doubt they'd do much damage when it comes to words.
Dogs look up to you like you're amazing, and go along with pretty much anything you come up with.
And when you live with me, I come up with things alot.

lol I live in a typically boring house, with tons of games, yes. but I've played them, overplayed them, and played them some more until they're unappealing to me.


So, I have my dogs to play with when I don't feel like being bothered by humans.
they're sort of my escape.

I did some shopping today.

Not so much shopping, I just went along for the ride.

It's nice to get out of the house every now and again.

In the Meijer's parking lot there was a guy who was moving carts and he stopped to take a breather leaning on a train of carts while me and my grandpa watched.

We noticed the guy fell asleep....

yeah. he fell. asleep. standing up.

it was the most amazing thing I've seen lmao

okay maybe not, but it was pretty cool.

he's like, hardcore.

I didn't have my camera. I wish I did.

Which reminds me, I got a 4 gig memory card today.

1700 picture capacity ftw :]

"My name is Cobra"

Fun fact #1: Once I was bowling with some friends. and the bowling shoe brand said "Cobra". I said "Hey, sweet" because I love snakes.

That day I bowled really awesome. 3 strikes in a row, new record for me.

Everyone changed my bowler name to Cobra that day, because I got so many strikes.

I probably have about 6 reasons why my name is Cobra. but that's one of them.

I hope you're doing well.

I can't wait for s u m m e r

Well, I'm here

Hello.
It is I, Ashley.

I'm not too sure what I'm doing here.
I know some friends that have a blogspot, so of course I followed their path.
But if they jump off a bridge, I most certainly won't follow (unless they have a bungee chord)

Before you wonder yourself to death, I'll answer your question.
My name on here is Cobra. Why?
I'm not really sure.
it has so many stories behind it.
and eventually I may just tell them all. Maybe a fun fact every blog.
look forward to it!

I've been debating off and on if I should get an account on here.
Afraid of judgement, or that I wouldn't be interesting enough for people to read my blogs.
Sometimes I have ideas of what to say but it never really comes out that way.
Maybe some friends of mine would form a new opinion about me after reading these posts.
Or maybe someone I don't know will judge me before they know half of the story.
And after giving it some thought, I realized......I don't care.
That's it. Plain and simple. I don't care.
I'm me, take it or leave it. Not everyone's going to like me, right?
of course not.
I guess that's how I've always looked at things.
Sometimes people become someone they're not without noticing it themselves.
Society forms their opinions and dumps it on everyone, telling you

"you have to be like this. or else everyone will turn on you. you'll be an outcast. no one will like you. so just listen to us, and everything will be just fine"

When the truth is, it never really is fine.
Beautiful women become people you never would have imagined.
Intellegent men will make terrible decisions and make it harder on everyone else that probably know what they're doing.
At least that's what we all seem to think.
That we know what we're doing. When in reality only about half of us actually do.
And I'll admit it. I don't know what I'm doing.
I don't know why I'm here. Or why I'm talking about this.
But that's just who I am.

And I think with that, I'll conclude this little blog.
So weather you read it or not, and weather you agree with it or not.
All I ask of you, is to be you.
Don't let others make you think differently about yourself.
Because you're awesome.