Life Starts Now

Hello there again..
I haven't blogged in a while.
So much to be said but not enough words to express it.

Things have changed, and I'm sure I have too.
Not too long ago I've lost myself.
I've lost what makes me, me.
I've lost the girl who knew who she was,
who she is, and where she's going.
She knew where she wanted to be.
She knew what she was doing.
She knew everything about herself.

But then I lost her, when I lost a friend.
(I didn't LOSE a friend. a friend moved. I still love her <3)
That girl left me, and to be honest, I don't think she's coming back.
Whoa, whoa now. I know you're wondering,
"So, you're depressed..right?"
Heck no.
I've realized in the past few months,
that I'm fine not knowing what I'm doing.
I don't understand myself anymore,
I'm completely unpredictable.
My views on life have changed,
my priorities have shifted.
I'm happy to know that I don't have to hide behind
that girl that knew anymore.
I stuck to her plans, and her rules.

I've also realized that being lost in myself
has always been a part of me.
It may change. I may "find myself" again.
But this time, I hope I don't.
I love this new sense of adventure,
this new sense of wander.

Ironic, isn't it?
Just a few months ago, I posted a blog about
"losing" yourself.
I said that I hope you find your way back.
and I do...
I just hope I can hold onto this feeling for as long as I can.

And beyond that, not much is to be said.
The adventure awaits,
and life starts now.

P.S.
Jessica, I miss you. <3

Do you know who I think I am?

Fall Out Boy song quote for the win.

But it makes so much sense once you read on.

Have you ever gotten those days where you stop and think
"whoa, wait a minute, what am I doing? where am I going? who am I?"
It's almost like you forget who you are and what you stand for.
All your motives go out the window and you get lost in your own thoughts.
It's like a vicious circle that you keep going over the same thing over and over so much that it no longer makes sense or has meaning.

You're trapped. You've become a prisoner within yourself and you're not moving.
Methaphorically speaking, of course.

So many times I've forgotten who I am.
It's like I've been there this whole time, but 'the real me' sometimes decides to take a detour, and explore by herself. Leaving the rest of me behind.
Not knowing what to do naturally, I begin to panic.
I think I'm not doing what I should be doing and everything I've known was a lie.

I find myself treating close friends badly, and strangers like best friends.
I abandon everything I've worked on, and everything I once dreamed about.
Everything gets turned up side down, and I can't catch everything that's falling on top of me.
It's hard to find yourself again sometimes.
You always think you're being true to yourself and no one can tell your differently.
It's only the fortunate that can rarely catch themselves and get things back on track again.
I've had this problem time and time again.

Don't worry if it's happened to you, though.
I'm sure you can pull through.
I've learned not to let it get the best of you.

"The thing about being someone you're not is...
that eventually someone will come along
and remind you of who you are."

One day I'll think I know who I am,
and the next I may remind myself this isn't who I am.
I'm never really sure when I'm not being true to myself,
but I hope and pray that whenever it happens
I can always find my way back again....
:]

Its Near

I haven't blogged in a while, and while sitting here waiting for tomorrow the day I'll be able to pick Jessica up and have a sleep over,
I started remembering the trip to Chicago.

It was insanely fun. And in that one little weekend, I realized that I was completely happy with life and the way things were going.
It seemed like it didn't matter where I was, or where I was going.
Because I was with them.
Them.
The people who always seem to keep me sane,
while at the same time letting me go wild.

So many memories come to mind from that trip.
Even if everything didn't go perfectly,
in fact there were quite a few flaws in the trip itself.
But nevertheless I had a new expierence, and a new chapter in my life
that I'll be able to revisit through memory and sense.

But after that happy little thought, I began thinking in a whole new direction.

August 16th 2009.

The day that I'm honestly not ready for.
The day that 3 of my bestfriends are leaving me.

It's not like they'll be gone forever, right?
They'll still be in touch. I mean, we have phones and text messages and twitter and all kinds of communication.
But no matter how much I reassure myself, I realize it'll never be the same.
No longer will I be able to call them up and ask to spend the day by the lake.
Or go see a movie and laugh at the pointless parts.
I won't be able to chase them around and laugh when they fall over themselves.

It'll be different.
It's like I'm losing a friend.
But I'm not.
Just because we'll say goodbye and we'll be apart, doesn't mean we'll forget about all the times we've had.
It might be difficult to keep things together, I know.
Long distances bring out the true colors in a friendship I've noticed.
And I know we're the color of the rainbow.

I don't know how I'll actually react when the day comes, though.
It makes me sad that they're leaving,
but happy that they're moving forward with their lives.

It seemed like yesterday we just became friends.
It seems like we just met and we have so many more things to do together, and no matter how much time we still have, it'll never be enough.

So in this blog, if you ever see it.
Cassie, Jessica, Jacob and of course. Mrs. Briere.
I love you guys.
You've taught me alot in the amount of time I've known you all,
weather you know it or not.
You'll always be my friends, no matter which ways we go in life.

8/16/09; a day to be dreaded.

DontLetMeGetMe

Sometimes you hear people say that the person they trust most is the person they thought they could never trust. Or the person they love is someone they once hated. Or even the person they could go to the most is the person they thought they'd never get a chance to speak to.

I finally understand that now.

I have a friend that's always there for me, even when I'm not in the mood for her to be there.

She gets on my nerves, and we're always fighting or arguing about something pointless.

She's like my sister, in a few ways. she's crazy, sometimes self centered and she holds grudges forever.

she physically and verbally abuses me, but in the end I love her more than any friend I've ever had.

we have the kind of relationship that we never leave each other behind.

when one of us is in a relationship, or on vacation, or with other friends we're always in contact.

we never leave the other out of situations and always filling each other in on our lives.

we show each other respect when the other asks for it, and even when we get into a fight it's usually easily resolved.

When I first met her I didn't like her. I acted like I did, just so my other friends wouldn't think I was rude.

but once given the chance to sit down and talk with her, I realized we have alot in common.

but at the same time, we're completely different.

we're not afriad to tell each other when the other is being a bad friend.

like, ignoring the other by paying more attention to someone else.

or walking off without the other, etc.

and we're also not afriad to tell each other when the other is making bad decisions, or doing something far too crazy.

we've gotten into alot of trouble together, and often drag each other in the middle of the other's drama.

our families basically adopted each other, and we're hanging out as much as we can.

I'm thankful to have her in my life, and I hope she's a life long friend.

So Hannah, if you ever read this

I love you and everything you do.

You believe in me and give me a sense of accomplishment.

Don't ever leave my side.

3 AM

It's 3 in the morning, and I really should be sleeping.
but instead I'm here, once again at my computer with my head filled with thoughts.
if only I could have them come out in order instead of all at once.
sometime's that's my problem. I know exactly what I want to say, but by knowing what I want to say it all comes out at the same time. often leaving me scrambling for words trying to sort them out so they make sense.
in most cases, it doesn't. but on the lucky occasions, it comes out plain as day.
so here we go-thoughts...please stay in line. I'll get to you soon enough :]


What's on your mind, Ashley?
Well, I'm glad I asked myself that. because a million things are rushing to get out!

1- I know people change. and things happen for a reason. I recently found an old camera memory card with some stuff from last year. videos, pictures, inside jokes etc.
I found out I've lost some connections without even realizing it.
I knew one friend in particular, had hurt-basically broken- my heart and spirit at some point last year. and I never forgave him.
with that weighing on my heart, and watching those videos and looking at those pictures I really remembered the good times. we were so close, this person was my best friend. I always looked to that person when I needed to talk, and even if they didn't understand they'd still smile and nod for me.
So with the thought of them hurting me so badly, mixed with the memories. I decided to send that person a message saying I forgive them for all they've done to and towards me and my other friends. some of my friends haven't let go, and still linger their feelings about that person to this day.
but I, said I would be willing to be friends again. and so there we have it. me and that person are now friends again...I know it's not the same. and there's still some awkwardness between us. but I'm hopeing I can get back to the goodtimes with this person very soon.


2- I can't believe how good things are going in life right now. I've never had so many friends to count on and look to in my past. and now I have more than I had ever asked for, and it's continuely growing. I'm so thankful for all my friends right now, you have no idea. even if we don't talk as much or stay in touch as much as me and someone else, just know that having you in my life means the world to me!

3- I'm excited for Chicago. going on a road trip out of state with some good friends is totally FTW!

4- Seeing people graduate this year has made me realize-again- that time really does fly. Like my friend Nate. I've known him since he was 15. now look at him..all grown up. all ready to face life. Amanda, known her for quite some time. and there she goes, out of high school into the world. not alot will change, but slowly it will. and I'm going to fight to keep the people who are "leaving" me to "stay" with me. I don't ever wanna lose these people just because they won't be around as much. they'll always be my friends.

5- so many trips trips trips. and not enough money money money. I know I'm young, and shouldn't worry about stuff like this yet really. but I feel like sometimes we go on trips and stuff to keep me happy, when we don't have alot of money as it is. it must be hard to keep up with the times and my needs at the same time while struggling with bills. I'm glad you do it though...

6- I hope. I HOPE! I'm here for fair week. I have SO much planned for this years fair and if I don't get to go, I'll be pissed :(


that's enough for now.
I'm just so happy with life. you have no idea.
I'm so thankful for everything that's going well,
and the days I feel like it's not going anywhere or it's not enough....that's crazy talk.
but I should head to bed..it's 3:12.
good night, good reading :]

Carnival of Guilt

My good friend Danny wrote this, and I thought it was so amazing I had to share it.
He said I could, so here is his work "the Carnival of Guilt"


I was greeted well enough at the door, Giving my ticket to the clown. I saw attractions by the score, Still, none seemed to slow me down.
I heard laughter all around me, Yet, I felt a silent jeer.
No, it didn't take me long to see- I was not welcome here.
Heads were turning, eyes were burning, Suddenly, all laughs were gone.
Only silent glares and my stomach, churning In repulsed fear, pushed me on.
I walked faster, yet so did they, What this horde wanted, I did not know.
Running to the nearest door on my way, I found myself at "The Freak Show".
Sneaking backstage, in hopes to hide, I saw a two- headed man in a fight- Against himself, each head taking a side, And neither side was right.
Both looked at me, without words being said, Each pointing their given hand to a door.
Smiling, as if somehow my thoughts they read, They knew what I was here for.
Walking inside, with what I saw- Thought, defunct, my human eyes.
Though inside I was struck with awe, I tried not to show surprise.
A four legged woman walking- With a man who had no legs at all, Living, loving, laughing and talking- As if he stood ten feet tall.
A bearded lady singing, soft in tone- To a man with two noses.
A man so skinny he looked to lack bone- In the mirror, practicing poses.
I stood, amazed, at the shapes he took, As my misdirected thoughts ran.
It seemed he could make himself to look- Like anything but a "normal" man.
As if sensing my questioning mind, A boy approached, beginning to speak.
Saying, "Stay, safely, here awhile, you will find- The answers that you seek."
I looked down, seeing each arm without hand, But pinchers like a lobster, instead.
He said, "There's things the world won't understand- That can be grasped, here, full- fled. "
He gestured to a snake-skinned man- And said, "Beauty, truly is in the eye. Viewed by the world, a charlatan, Won't you give the magic mirror a try. "
So I stepped over and took my view, Beheld a man without a face.
It was suddenly so clear, I knew- I had finally found my place.
And every night people stop just to stare, And maybe we raise their self-esteem.
Some pity us, thinking it's not fair- Some think we're just here to scheme.
But I recall the other side, I know- What leads you to jeer and jilt.
And what you see as "The Freak Show"- Is just your carnival of guilt.

You're special to me

I have alot of friends that I'm very thankful for. I've noticed lately that I want to keep everyone in my life right now, and I can't stress it enough.

four people come to mind right now, that are my friends and they know that I care about them.
But I don't think they really understand how special they are to me.
So I'm going to take this moment to tell you personally how much I care.
In person I could never say this, because I'm the type that always jokes around and can't hold a serious moment for the life of me.
But I feel this needs to be said, just so you know that I'm your friend. and I value you as a person.




Jessica F: Jessica, when I first met you...to be perfectly honest I didn't like you. I wasn't a very social person when we first met so I didn't like alot of people at the time. it took me forever to make friends and get to know people or have them get to know me. We slowly started talking in 06 I believe it was. But it wasn't until late 07 and 08 that we really started becomming friends.
I think in the beginning of 09 I realized how much I really care for you as a friend, and how you're one of the few people that put up with EVERYTHING about me.
and I mean everything, even sometimes when I get carried away with jokes or make embarrassing references, you stick by me.
I can't tell you how much I really value you in my life.
I know we all need a friend that can put up with everything about us, but that person is usually pretty hard to find. Luckily I have a few people that can put up with everything about me, but you in particular put up with absolutely everything.
I'm so glad we're as close as we are now. and even when you move, I know we'll still be the best of friends.
Thanks for letting me know you won't be far.


Cassie: when we first met I never talked to you. the occasional "Hi" the in the Explorers hallway was about as far as we got for the first couple years I knew you.
After I started becoming friends with Jessica, I noticed how much we really have in common.
Sarcastic comments and witty comebacks is basically what our friendship was based on.
Improv comedy made me realize this, and ever since I've been trying to find out more about you. Now I consider us pretty good friends, and I'm glad to have you.
You're the kind of person that can be funny, sarcastic and caring all at the same time.
You always seem to understand where people are coming from, even when you don't agree with them.
You're an awesome person to hang out with, and I know when I'm really feeling sarcastic I have someone in my corner to make snarky remarks with haha


Nate: Okay, so we're always joking around. lol that's pretty much all I do. I've known you about 3 or 4 years, and I think within all that time I never really talked to you either. I think we started talking around 07, but that was a rare occasion.
we had a "you go your way and I'll go mine" type thing goin on back then.
In 08 we started hanging out more, we talked more and I got to know you a little better.
I thought it was cool because in our TLC groups, alot of the girls annoyed me, and I just needed a change of conversation.
Of course there was some "confusion" twords last summer, and people started to hang out less and talk less. But once everything cleared we became friends again, and it was like nothing ever happened.
I consider you one of my best guy friends, in all honesty.
Even though sometimes I can be a creeper, and annoying.
You don't talk much to other people, but sometimes when we are all hanging out and having a good time I feel like you're much more comfortable with us.
And I wanted to let you know I appreciate having you as a friend in my life at this current moment in time.


Christina: Technically I knew you for a while, but I never really...knew you.
All I knew you as was "Nate's sister" for the longest time. But after we finally met I realized you're probably one of the most down-to-earth girls I've met in quite a while.
You always speak your mind, when you wanna say something you'll say it.
You're comfortable with who you are, and who you're becoming. and I respect that. More girls need to be like that.
You always have an honest opinion, and a great sense of humor that can make me smile.
You go along with alot of the jokes I make, and you make me feel like I'm one of your only friends even when we're in a group of people.
You always make people feel special. and that's an amazing quality.
You're beautiful, outgoing, and a great person.
I'm glad to have you in my life and to have you as someone to count on.



I felt that I should let these people know how special they are, because maybe sometimes all you need is to hear that someone was thinking of you.
I'm glad to have you guys in my life, and even though I have alot more people that need to be mentioned in this blog, I just wanted to stand you out from the others.
I want you all to know that I'd do just about anything for you.
when you need someone to talk to, I'll be the one to pick up the phone (or text. cause that's how I do thangs lol)
You can always count on me, and come to me without judgement.
You'll always have a place in my heart, and no matter where life takes you, you'll always have me.
I want you all to remember that.
You will ALWAYS. have me. weather you like it or not!

haha, okay this is long enough.
thanks for reading :]